Too Available = Needy

One of my biggest challenges in pickup is to avoid looking too available. Before I learned about game I was just coming out of a relationship that epitomized needy behavior. I was totally smitten with a girl and I’d email her a thousand times a day. As it happens, she liked it a lot. She confided to me early on that she could be needy as well and really appreciated all the attention I gave here. Between email, text and online chat we practically lived together. We’d both text each other good morning and then stay in touch all day and deep into the night. (I should note this was a long distance relationship, so this was our only connection except for monthly hookups.)

When she eventually dumped me, I really went overboard. I was really traumatized by the breakup and went through a phase where I had absolutely zero confidence in my ability to attract women or for that matter to even maintain a basic level of success in life. I got so distracted at work it almost cost me my job.

Fortunately that’s all behind me, but I still find myself falling into old patterns with women. One in particular that I have to get better at is to not respond to everything immediately.

In my business life, I’m a very efficient person. I usually respond to email within a day and quite frequently within an hour. I rarely have more than a couple of messages sitting in my inbox. I always return phone calls the same day I get them. I answer texts almost immediately.

Furthermore, I’m proactive, even to the point of managing other people’s communications. This means that if I email you a question and don’t hear back in a few days, I’m aware of it and will contact you again. This may seem annoying in the abstract, but it’s a key to success in business. Staying on top of both your shit and, when necessary, other people’s shit is absolutely critical to performing at a high level. I’ve found that most people I know who’ve attained my level of success are equally skilled at managing communications.

To give you some perspective, while I’m not wealthy enough to retire, my personal income is in the top 2% of households nationally. The successful people I mentioned in the previous paragraph all probably earn even more than me. The only exceptions I’ve encountered to the rule of staying in touch are famous people. They get swamped with email from fans and kiss-asses, so it’s a lot harder for them to stay on top of it.

(And in case you’re wondering, I’m an ardent practitioner of the Getting Things Done method. It’s extremely popular in the web/tech industry.)

That’s all well and good, but I find it sometimes shoots me in the foot with women. Not only do I seem too available and (thus lower status), but I sometimes find myself getting pissed when they aren’t up to my level.

Last week offered a frustrating case study.

I met a very cute, sexy gal online and had a couple of dates. The first was a coffee date on a Thursday. We hit it off, ended up with a passionate kiss, and agreed to see each other again the following Saturday (that is, two days later). We met up for breakfast and a walk afterward. Had another great time, sealed with a kiss and comments about our respective sexiness, and we made tentative plans to get together soon.

And I then left to go to — wait for it — a PUA workshop. During the workshop we got to talking about texting and how you can use it to make a girl horny between dates. So right then and there I tried a text opener: “I want to bite you.” She wrote back pretty quickly asking if I was a vampire. This led to a very flirty exchange and she really got into it.

A couple hours later she was back for more, saying “I am thinking about you.” More flirting. This continued into the next day at which point I got really direct. I said I wanted to make love to her, pull her hair, throw her against the wall etc. She loved it and said she couldn’t wait to see me Tuesday night.

Monday morning she texted me “Good morning” and we exchanged texts all day. That night she called me and said she might be late Tuesday. We texted some more Tuesday, but then she ended up having to cancel. Her reason was that she had a modeling gig with a TV show and I don’t have any reason to doubt her on that. She texted me late that night from the set complaining about how late they kept her.

The next morning (Wednesday) she pinged me again and we chatted off & on. We traded texts trying to reschedule for the weekend, which she suggested, but she wouldn’t commit to a specific day/time. That night I sent her a series of porno texts saying I wanted to fuck her and lick her pussy, and she responded very enthusiastically.

Here’s where it got weird.

Thursday I texted asking if she had decided yet whether she wanted to meet Friday or Saturday. No response. That night I sent another. No response. Friday morning I sent one that just said “Knock knock.” No response.

Later that morning I called and left a voice mail asking if everything was ok. I noted that she had been generally very responsive in the past and just wanted to make sure there wasn’t some kind of emergency.

About an hour later she called back and apologized. She was at the hospital with a kid that she nannies. She said she’d definitely be tied up that night watching the other kid while the parents were at the hospital, but suggested Saturday or Sunday might work (didn’t commit though). I told her I’d call her Saturday morning and we’d figure it out from there. She said that was fine.

Friday night we started texting again. More borderline porno and she was into it.

Saturday comes, and I text her to suggest an idea. No response. I wait a while and then call. No answer and I didn’t leave a voice mail. Called one more time with the same result. That night I had tix to a baseball game, so I went to that. After the game was over I called her around 8:45 because I was relatively close to her place and thought we could get together for a fun Saturday night. No answer, so I left a voice mail.

Sunday I resolved not to contact her. Kept my promise to myself and now it’s Monday and still radio silence. I emailed the guy who ran the PUA workshop and he suggested I wait until Thursday at the earliest. I’ll probably give it one more try then, but after that I’m done.

This is all compounded by the fact that I’m a type-A, decisive person. I make decisions quickly and commit to them. If I tell you I’m going to meet you somewhere next Tuesday at 3, it’s a 99% certainty that I will be there. And if not, I will give you ample notice.

I expect other people to hold up their end of the bargain as well, and it nearly drives me crazy when they don’t. Yes, we’re talking about dating, not business, but since most of my day is spent in the business world, it’s hard to make exceptions.

The key to this, of course, is to always have a backup. If I’d had a couple other gals on the hook, no big deal. Unfortunately I’ve been in a dry spell of late….

Working on my Strip Club Game

On a whim (and after a few drinks) I decided to hit a local strip club. I go ever now and then, generally avoiding weekend nights because they’re too crowded and the dancers are too focused on making money. 9pm on a Wednesday is dead, so it’s easy to be the center of attention.

One thing about strip clubs, it’s a good place to practice talking about sex and asking personal questions such as “when was the last time you were really in love?” The girls do all of the approaching, so no worries about that.

But instead of buying dances from them and letting them run their game on me, I get them to sit down and have a real conversation with me. I do occasionally give them money, but I frame it as more of pity thing, like “hey, you look like you’re having a slow night, so here’s a few bucks.” I also walk up to the stage and leave money for the girls, but don’t generally let them dance for me. I just leave the money there. Obviously, that can add up so it’s still a pretty expensive game. 🙂

That said, the money part is purely optional. I make good money and so like to help a working girl out. On a slow night like last night you can just sit at the bar (not by the stage) and grab girls as they come by.

I ended up getting numbers from two girls using as bait a “documentary website about sex I’m working on.” That’s been a good way to get girls interested. I’ve got several girls queued up to be interviewed and really need to get that part of this site in gear.

One of the girls told me she’s married and has an open relationship, and I think she might want to play around with me. She gave me her email address. As I was leaving she commented that “it’s so nice to meet someone interesting here for a change.” We’ll see how it works out.

(BTW this girl IMO was the hottest girl there and I had my eye on her all night. She was tied up with some old dude who kept giving her money, so it was 2-3 hours before we finally talked. I think I gave her maybe $3 one time when she was on stage.)

Funny side note: I got to chatting with one of the gals there and it turns out her mom works for me! After we figured out the connection I could totally see the family resemblance. She would’ve given me her number and done the interview too — she was clearly interested — but she was understandably a little nervous about me knowing her mom (who thinks she’s a cocktail waitress, not a dancer). It’s highly likely that we’ll meet again in an office outing situation. She pointed this out, saying she and her mom are BFFs and she used to go her mom’s old workplace frequently. This will be a fun test of my acting skills.

Afterwards I met a couple gals while waiting for a cab. One of them was clearly into me and I could’ve gotten her number, but I thought she was only so-so. She asked for (and got) a hug when I left. The interesting thing with that interaction was, I treated it as an experiment in building rapport with her cockblock friend too. A couple times I could tell her friend was a bit suspicious of me and wanted to drag her away, so each time I saw her body language change I engaged her in conversation and got her to laugh at something. By the end she was on my team. Yay me.

And now I’m working on a new project that I like to call Home Improvement Game. I just posted this ad on Craigslist the other day:

Subject:

Friends first. If we click, well…

I need a woman’s opinion. I’m about to do some serious remodeling work on my townhouse in [name of neighborhood redacted] and I need a woman’s eye.

I have a good income and can afford good stuff. But I’m kinda lazy when it comes to things like picking out paint, hardwood floors, furniture etc. My place has tons of potential and could use a woman’s touch. Wanna help me out?

I’m a really cool, smart, good looking guy. And I’m very efficient, which is why I did this instead of stumbling around furniture stores for hours.

Pic 4 pic.

I posted it both in strictly platonic and personals. So far I’ve gotten one reply from each section, meeting one of them tonight at Home Depot.

I’m # 3!

This is one of those situations that hammers home how “not caring” is so attractive. A (girl) friend of mine wanted to hook me up with a divorcee gal who’s my age (41). I’ve lately had success with younger women but I thought “sure, why not?”

So my friend laid the groundwork and said I should connect with her on Facebook. I looked at her pictures and wasn’t that impressed, so I delayed. Then a couple days later she (hereafter HB41) friended me. We traded email and I was kind of slow to respond, partly because I was thinking I didn’t want to actually meet her. In the middle of this I suddenly had to fly home to see my dad because of an illness. While I was there she sent me a “Are you rejecting me?” email and I hastily apologized, explaining the situation.

Once back home we agreed to meet for lunch in a neighboring town. Backstory: she suggested we meet on a Saturday. And I said “Meet me at noon at [redacted] in [redacted].” For most of my life I was so chodey about first dates: “well, where do , you want to go?” Now I just tell her where to meet me and leave it to her to raise objections, which she never does. I can’t believe I didn’t understand this basic fact for so long.

So I meet her there and it turns out she’s a lot hotter than her pictures. Smoking body. Petite. Just my type. So we have a great lunch and I bounce her for a walk down main street, then to a coffee shop. We sit there for a while building comfort, then I walk her to her car and get a small kiss. We agreed to meet again on Tuesday.

In the interim we do a little chatting online. I tell her I’m psychic and can read her mind. I do cold read over chat. I tell her she’s a perfectionist who’s super organized and kind of anal retentive. I was right. (How do I know this? Because her chats are all grammatically correct. No lowercase, perfect punctuation etc.)

Next day we meet at a bar and I immediately embrace and kiss her lightly. We sit and have a couple drinks, lots of kino and comfort-buildilng. Then we bounce to another place nearby which has a really cool downstairs bar. We go down there to the lounge area and I escalate. I reminder her that I’m psychic and make a big show of putting my fingers to my temples. Then I tell her she wanted to sleep with me tonight. “Why do you think that?” “Because you’re wearing sexy lace panties.” (I had felt them with my fingertips earlier.)

There was another group sitting close by and somehow they got involved in the conversation. She asked them if she should go home with me tonight. Light-hearted conversation about how many dates should you do before sleeping together etc. I pushed her a little to go home with me but no dice. Which was just as well because I had to get up early the next morning. (I think I might even have said that to her).

Date #3. Simliar situation. We go out to a nice restaurant, lots of kino and then she comments that we should walk off the food we ate. So I say sure, there’s a park right next to my place. We drive there, go for a nice walk, then in to my place.

We’re making out on the couch and she’s clearly turned on. So she “goes there” and says she wants to go back on the pill and can I wait two weeks? (Remember: she and I grew up in the pre-safe-sex era, so we’re not as as used to condoms.) I say sure, whatever. From that point forward I went the push-pull route. We’d kiss for a while, play with her tits etc. then I’d get up to get a glass of water, or change the music, or check on my dog.

An hour later we were going at it like rabbits. She told me she was impressed that I didn’t push her. The truth is, I didn’t really care if we had sex. I could see she was attracted to me and that as long as I stayed confident and kept my mouth shut, I would eventually nail her. (The mouth shut part is important: I have a tendency to bring up Game stuff a little early. She kept telling me I was a player and I kept saying “Aw, shucks. I’m just a farm boy.”)

Anyway, the most interesting thing about this is I was only her third sex partner! She was married for 14 years to the guy she lost her virginity to. Last summer she slept with another guy, but it took weeks to get her in the sack. She kept telling me how unlike her this was to sleep with someone on the third date. Whatever. She was quite good in bed, so…

We went out a few more times and I really liked her, but I could tell I wasn’t going to fall in love and did not want to be her boyfriend. So I told her I would continue seeing other people and that if that bothered her, we probably should stop dating. She cried, but thanked me for my honesty. We still keep in touch.

Pocket Translation Guide

I have a good field report coming soon, but in the meantime here’s something funny a friend forwarded to me.

DICTIONARY FOR DECODING WOMEN’S PERSONAL’S:

– 40-ish: 49.5
– Adventurous: Slept with just about everyone
– Average looking: Mooooo
– Athletic: No boobs
– Beautiful: Pathological liar
– Free Spirit: Junkie
– Emotionally Secure: On medication
– Feminist: Fat
– Friendship first: Former Slut
– New-Age: Body hair in the wrong places
– Old-fashioned: No BJs
– Open-minded: Desperate
– Professional: B**ch
– Outgoing: Loud & Embarrassing
– Voluptuous: Very fat
– Large frame: Hugely fat
– Wants soul mate: Stalker

DICTIONARY FOR DECODING WOMEN’S ENGLISH:

– Yes: No
– No: Yes
– Maybe: No
– We need: I want
– I am sorry: You will be sorry
– Sure, go ahead: You better not
– We need to talk: You are in big trouble
– Do what you want: You will pay for it later
– I am not upset: Of course, I am upset, you stupid moron!
– You’re very attentive tonight: Is sex all you ever think about?

DICTIONARY FOR DECODING MEN’S ENGLISH:

– I am hungry: I am hungry
– I am sleepy: I am sleepy
– I am tired: I am tired
– Nice dress: Nice cleavage!
– I love you: Let’s have sex now.
– I am bored: Let’s have sex now.
– May I have this dance? I’d like to have sex with you.
– Can I call you sometime? I’d like to have sex with you.
– Do you want to go to a movie? I’d like to have sex with you.
– Can I take you out to dinner? I’d like to have sex with you.

On Hookers

I like hookers. I’ve seen a few of them and generally had a great time. It’s not just the sex that I like, though they were uniformly good and hot. Rather, I also like the conversation and intimacy that emerges. All of them had a least some college education (and one even has a master’s in engineering) and they were generally very interesting conversationalists.I make anough money to where I can pay a premium — $300-400 per hour — so I don’t know what it’s like to go with a less expensive provider. In other words, your mileage may vary.

If you’re thinking about trying an escort or just want to know more about them, here are a few sites I recommend:

The Erotic Review – Spend the $20 and to get access to the reviews. You can learn exactly what sex acts a girl is willing to perform, how attractive she is in person, what she’s like in bed etc.

The Real Princess Diaries – Very well-written blog by a working escort in San Francisco. She obviously loves to fuck and can command a premium price for it. She also runs a site called My First Professional Sex.

Debauchette – She doesn’t post often, but presents the real-life perspective of an escort. Very smart and sensitive.

HappyEndingz – Confessions of a massage parlor girl. Not really my thing, or at least I’ve never tried it, but it’s fun to hear her perspective. I wonder how many handjobs she’s given in her life?!

Las Vegas Courtesan – she mostly posts sexy pictures of herself (she studied photography in college) but also occasionally writes about the escort industry in Vegas, where prostitution is still illegal even though it’s legal in the the rest of Nevada.

About to Drop Online Dating

I’m pretty close to dropping online dating, which is a big step for me. I’ve had a Match.com since — no shit — 1995 (I signed up back when the first 10,000 subscribers got a free account for life). I’ve used it off and on over the years with modest success and ultimately met  my now-ex-wife there.  After we decided to divorce, I started using it again and also a couple of others.

Since learning about Game, I made some changes to my profile to make it more alpha and used more of a flirty approach in my emails. It worked. I’ve met a lot of girls this way and even had two semi-serious relationships there.

However, as I’ve gotten better at meeting girls in real life, I’ve starting losing patience with online. Why? Let me count the reasons:

  1. Girls at dating site are usually looking for a long term, exclusive relationship. I’m not.
  2. The girls are generally not that attractive, except for the young ones
  3. The young ones generally do not respond to my messages. I suspect this is because they see my age in my profile and they automatically rule me out. (Girls I meet in real life regularly tell me I look five years younger than my real age.)
  4. Most of the girls’ profiles are pretty boring, so it’s a pain to think of something original to say.
  5. And since they are boring, most of them aren’t up to par for me anyway.
  6. The girls I like: sexy, good conversationalists and with a high sex drive, don’t seem to use online dating sites.
  7. The worst part: they can be just as flaky as in the real world. Too many times I’ve traded multiple emails with a girl only to have her flake out about meeting. Just yesterday I found myself chasing a girl because every time I suggested we meet, she came up with an excuse not to. I finally told her I was done and that if she wanted to meet it was her job to choose a date & time.

I’ll keep my profiles up, but I’m not going to spend as much time browsing and initiating contact.

Same night lay in DC

Last night was my last in DC. I’d had an almost-SNL two nights earlier, then a weird-but-fun night on Friday (didn’t hookup with anyone, but had a great time making a Korean lesbian want to kill me among several other surreal interactions).

I was tired and didn’t want to stay out late but figured I’d give it one more shot. I hit a bar and opened 3-4 sets but none went anywhere. One was with a smoking trio of Ethiopian chicks that had blown me out and I was feeling kind of stuck. I almost left right then, but then I saw the dance floor had filled up. I’d just read a post somewhere about dance floor game and thought “why not?”

Not that I actually knew what I was doing (I don’t remember any of the details of that post). I just figured I’d dance for a while and see if the movement got me in a better state. Not five minutes into it I saw a cutie dancing close to me with open body language, and she was by herself. I turned slightly toward her, but I was still far enough away that I wasn’t really dancing *with* her.

i thought about it for a sec, then decided to man-up and be a leader, so I grabbed her arm and pulled her in front of me. She smiled and I knew it was on. We danced for a couple of songs and I started pulling her closer and closer. I didn’t try to kiss her, but rather nuzzled her neck and whispered in her ear. This was how we started conversing. Somewhere in there I said “you’re pretty cute, but I never kiss on the dance floor, so you’re out of luck.” More conversation in which it turned out we had a lot of common interests (she’s a writer and I have thing for writers), then she came at me for the kiss. I reciprocated at first but pulled back, and we played a game of her trying to kiss me and me chiding her for breaking my rules.

Lots of fun, and from here it was a cakewalk.

After a while we were both hot and sweaty and decided to take a break. We went over and sat in a couple of bar stools about three feet from the Ethiopians. (They were still by themselves. I wonder if they hooked up with anyone…) I bought her a drink at her request, then we basically made out for another 30 minutes or so. She kept telling me how adorable I was and it was a nice ego boost. She also talk freely about all the wild sex she’s had: mile high club, multiple three-ways etc. She’s done three-ways with two guys, but she said not a DP. I said “the fact that you even know what a DP is says a lot about you.” She told me she was 34, but I suspect she’s a bit older based on some things she said later (she didn’t look that old, though).

I told her I was staying with a close friend of mine and her husband about four blocks away and invited her back to my place. Also that I was leaving the next morning at 8 am (true) and that it was now or never. She lives in Silver Springs, MD and had come with a guy friend. I told her I’d get her a cab home if she needed that. She went to talk to her friend about it. At this point I worried that he might talk her out of it and gave her my business card as proof that I’m a real person. She came back a few minutes later and said “we have an hour.”

So we left and started walking back to my friend’s. I didn’t have any condoms and told her so, “but it doesn’t matter because I never have sex on the first date anyway.” She laughed and said we gotta buy some. At that moment we were passing by a little convenience store, so we went in and I playfully told her I wanted her to ask about the condoms. She did. The clerk showed them to me and I made a to-do about them not having the ones I like (Trojan Ecstasy). This led to a funny interaction where she said she wasn’t aware that there was a difference. I explained that we’re in a Renaissance phase of condom development, it was a rapidly developing field with all kinds of innovation going on and blah blah blah.

You can guess what happened from there. We made the most of our hour and I walked her back to her car.

One interesting side-note: while were walking back to my place I couldn’t remember her name and was trying to figure out how to get it out of her. But right as we walked in the door she mentioned she hadn’t told me her name and hinted that she’s somewhat famous (at least enough that she’s on TV often), so it dawned on me that she doesn’t want me to know who she is. We made a game of this while fucking – me saying I wouldn’t let her come until she told me her name. Lots of fun. She told me a couple different names at time and I’m positive they were both lies.

Didn’t matter. She was a great lay plus really smart, cute & fun. Good blowjobs too.

I dated a fairly famous writer for a while back last spring, so we talked about the parallels. She did give me her phone # and said she’d email me, so maybe it will come out then. (I’m thinking about going back to DC for Xmas and she wants to hook up.)

We texted back & forth last night and again today. I told her I’ve decided I don’t need to know her name and had given her the pet name Fifi.